DEAR ABBY: I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for almost six years, engaged for two, and I love my fiancé. But the thought of moving out west after spending so much time on the East Coast is really intimidating. It means leaving my parents behind, especially with my dad being sick in the hospital for almost a year and a half, and my mother struggling with health issues and obesity. My brother has alcohol issues and a history of seizures, and I worry about him, too.
At the same time, I feel so happy when I’m with my partner, and the idea of ending things with him would devastate me. I’m almost 40, and the weight of this decision is overwhelming. The anxiety has me torn between pursuing my happiness with him and staying close to my family. Do you have any advice? — AT A CROSSROADS IN NEW YORK
DEAR ‘CROSSROADS’: I do have some. At almost 40, if you haven’t been able to convince your mother and brother to adopt healthier lifestyles, the chances are nil that they’ll change. Consult a licensed psychologist for help to overcome your anxiety (and possibly some guilt) about doing something that’s good for you by joining your fiancé out west. Live your own life rather than engage in a fruitless fantasy that these relatives will change theirs if you stay.
DEAR ABBY: My husband slipped, fell and broke his hip. As I write this, he is having a total hip replacement. Family and friends have offered to “come and sit with me.” I have been polite (when I really wanted to scream) and told them “No, thank you.” Then they rephrase it and tell me they are coming. When I say “No,” they forget that “No” is a complete sentence.
My husband wasn’t in a car accident. It’s not life-threatening. It’s not a crisis situation. He simply fell and broke his hip. These days, hip replacements are routine procedures. I don’t need a chaperone to sit with me. I know that everyone is different. I just wish people would ask if I wanted them to sit with me instead of TELLING me they’re going to come.
I am a 62-year-old woman (who sometimes has an explosive temper). Everyone deals with this in their own way. I am content being by myself through this. Please remind people that, although they may mean well, they should ASK if someone wants company, instead of TELLING them they do. I think projecting one’s feelings onto someone else is wrong. Do you agree? — WIFE IN THE WAITING ROOM
DEAR WIFE: Everyone is different. While you may think your husband’s hip replacement is a minor procedure, some folks worry that no surgery is without risk. The individuals who volunteer to come and sit with you may do it because they want to be with you in case something goes wrong. While I agree it’s a mistake to project one’s feelings onto someone else, please control your “sometimes explosive” temper and remember there’s a way to politely refuse an offer that’s well intended.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
